I Knew Before the Test Told Me So

I had this feeling before.

Twice to be exact.

The smells were getting to me. An avid food lover that can't cook. The irony was evident. An at least two cups a day of coffee drinker couldn't have a sip. I had a hard time sitting next to the kids on the couch during sat. morning cartoons because I couldn't handle their sugary syrup smelling mouths, but moving down to sit on the rug was worse because that is where the dog was. Eric's cologne which I usually adore was too strong.

But it wasn't just the smells, I was beyond reasonably emotional. I cried while telling Kaylee's teacher how much I appreciated her. I cried at the end of the children's movie "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs." I cried because I couldn't remember to pay the bills on time.

Some of this although it was annoying was somewhat familiar. In some ways it's easier to handle the second (and third) time around. You can excuse yourself of the forgetfulness, the extra emotions, the extreme tiredness, and giving your kids cereal for dinner because you can't cook. In nine (albeit long) months it will all be over.

Although I knew that I was pregnant days before I took a test to tell me so, there was many things that I didn't know about motherhood the first time around. My motherhood journey began 8 years ago, but it feels like it was just started yesterday. My life before kids is a vague memory. One filled with term papers, work, staying out late, and carefree times. I had my oldest fairly young, 23. Due to my age, many people felt the need to give me a lot of unsolicited advice about how hard it is to be a mom. Even my hair stylist who I didn't know well at all, spent an entire haircut telling me the horrors of first time parenting. Looking back I wish people would've been more positive about the experience.

There is a lot that people don't tell you about motherhood.

First of all, the birthing experience is really a powerful experience. It is amazing how God creates the body to work to be able to produce your offspring. I couldn't believe how much pain I could tolerate and I couldn't believe how strong I needed to be to give birth to our children. After that experience, I thought I could accomplish anything. Maybe I couldn't climb to the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro the next day, but I knew that my body could take a beating and still survive and recover eventually. Not only did I feel very strong, but it is also very spiritual. God has now entrusted you to be in charge of another living and breathing perfect little creature. Scary at times, but also amazing. Parenting is not for the weak. The love I felt for my kids was beyond any love I have ever experienced and it made me realize that it is the same love that the Heavenly Father gives to his own children. I stared at my firstborn the middle of our first night together and I promised her all the good things I was going to do for her. I was going to be the best mom I knew how to be because she deserved it. She gave me a fresh start in life. A new chapter in a new book called motherhood. She didn't ask to be born, but I vowed that I would create a life in which she was happy that God chose us to be called a family.

Second, you already know that you give up a small part of freedom when you become the sole caregiver of a tiny being. What people fail to mention is that being a mom is far superior than having the freedom to close out a bar at two in the morning. Babies add meaning and goodness to your life. One of the positive effects of the recent economic crisis it that people have to look beyond their wallet to experience the really good things in life. Society has been telling couples for years how babies stand in the way of exotic vacations and a house filled with cool gadgets and trinkets, and many couples are realizing that it is those pursuits that stand in the way of experience the joys of children. Even if you do have the freedom to spontaneously leave on a jet plane for the weekend, how many actually do? Soon staying home with your family and eating takeout is more preferable than a four star restaurant. Letting your child beat you in a couple of games of Uno is better entertainment than the latest blockbuster movie. New life continues to offer the simple wonder and goodness that can be so eluding at times.

Last of all, you'll never view your husband the same again. Despite what the media has to say, having a baby really does brings you closer, at least in my experience. For the first time in my life, I was okay with another person receiving love and affection from my other half. When my oldest was born, she was rushed off very quickly due to some trauma during the birth(...I will spare the details, and she was just fine.) They put her in the rolling cradle and I remember seeing her hand reach up and she grabbed my husband's finger. My sister who works in the hospital saw the pair rushing down the hall to the infant nursery together side by side, her tiny fingers wrapped around my husbands' finger in the same way I picture her wrapping her delicate tiny self around his stronger mature heart. He is forever changed by this little girl. She is a daddy's girl in every sense of the word. My husbands' words are more precious than gold to her and that bond started very early.

With more kids comes more experiences and different ways in which we feel love for them. For the birth of our second child the nurses used black ink to stamp the feet prints onto the scrubs my husband was wearing during labor and delivery. These two precious feet were literally stamped over my husband's heart yet imprinted on his life forever.

Why does the birthing experience bring you two closer?

It took me a long time to form words to explain why I believe it can be true. I think that parenting offers a new sense of purpose within a marriage. Not that I believe it can take the place of the marriage itself, however, using this new found love for your children and allowing it to spill over in the other aspects of your life can sweeten your marriage. Watching your spouse commit to the needs of a new baby is very endearing. The first time my husband carefully changed the diaper of our daughter in hospital or how he gingerly reached to hold her after I was done feeding her are such a gesture of love and of commitment not only to that child, but to his spouse as well. Children can change you like nothing else in this world can. It teaches you to be centered around others needs more than your own and forces you to think and plan about the future in a whole new perspective. Together we can send our love and legacy to the next generation. Someday I will have the privilege of watching my husband gingerly reach to grab a grandchild out of my daughter's arms and to yet again have another little being wrap their fingers around his heart and imprint their lives on his. This won't happen for many years, but in a few short months we are soon to share another memorable experience with it's own unique story and our hearts will grow a little bigger one more time when we welcome the birth of our third child, a son.